I’m always too moody for the party. I talked to Ryan about this and we can talk about this endlessly. That is because Ryan is a good man with a good sense of the sentence. I told Ryan at the barbecue, “And so on and that’s how it is.” I said, “You’ve al­ways got to keep on going until you’re dead. And when you die some folks will give a hoot and some others will give great hoots. Still others will fall somewhere in the middle. You will possess no great works. Where does something fall when it falls in the middle? It falls all around us, at night, in strides. I had a feeling in the fingers the other day. They weren’t my fingers. I told Dr. Addleson about it. I told him for the second or even the third time. I felt so dejected, I fell into a hole. At the bottom of the hole, my mother was there. She was peeling carrots. She was married to Rebecca, who had given her many great children.”



*



I will have to be frank with you—we’ve already gotten this far. My mother left me and my father left me and my mother left me for a shorter period of time. You could debate whether that was her fault though that seems cruel to do here and—a mother is a mother—political unrest a history of instability personal errors, etc. Such is like. I can talk about you and I don’t have to know you first. I get tired, I say, I want to tell the whole story. It’s cumbersome. Who said this, who said that. My god, this is going to need so much editing. Which I say because I missed thinking about you. It would be misleading to end this paragraph here. I’m trying not to